056 - Forgiving Yourself
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry, and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love, and purpose - with wisdom, humor, and transparency - through the lens of science, psychology, and faith.
Are you stuck in a place where you are full of regret or self-loathing about an area of your life? Perhaps you are stuck in a place of unforgiveness towards yourself.
The steps to pursue self-forgiveness (Dr. Fred Luskin):
- Categorize the offense - have we hurt someone, hurt ourselves through self-destructive behaviour, not do/say something we should have, etc.
- Know how we feel - articulate the specific wrong and the harm it has caused.
- Understand what you want - how will forgiving yourself play out?
- Have realistic expectations - perhaps you want to be reconciled to the person you harmed but that is not reasonable.
- Identify the hurt
- STOP - hit the stop button on keeping ourselves in the loop of unforgiveness.
- Apologize to the harmed party.
- Practice PERT - see the therapeutic response.
- Replace with gratitude - see Life Coaching response.
Therapeutic Response: Practice PERT (Positive Emotion Refocusing Technique)
When you find yourself going into that loop, take 45 seconds:
Close your eyes, take a deep breath, slowly exhale and repeat
On the third breath focus on a place of beauty, a forest, a lake, a sunset, etc.
If you have apologized, remind yourself I have apologized and owned that.
Life Coaching Response: Replace guilt with gratitude.
Practicing gratitude gives our minds and our bodies a break from all the shame and guilt by replacing them with gratitude.
It helps to have a quote, a verse that you can repeat when the guilt and shame comes up. E.g., “There is now no condemnation..” Romans 8:1. So now the case is closed There remains no accusing voice of condemnation against those who are joined in union with Jesus.
Links:
Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI
Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com
Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com
Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com
Dr. Fred Luskin: https://amzn.to/3tHJJTt
